The “Ugh” Continues

I noticed I named both of my previous posts “Ugh”. Oopsie?

I’ve been so busy it’s been hard to keep my head on straight, much less find the time to sit and type for a bit. I’ve kinda missed it so I’m here now!

The house has finally been approved for closing. I’m excited. And nervous. Really, really nervous…but getting more excited as the days go on. I’m packing and packing and packing. I’d forgotten how much I hate packing. I’m seriously looking at most stuff thinking I don’t need it at all. I’m only taking 4 pieces of furniture so far and that already seems like too much bother.

My guy has been staying here most days now. It’s over two hours each way to his job but he seems to think it’s worth it. I miss him when he’s not here. I’d grown so used to chaos and anxiety and generally toxic behavior that having a calming presence around is breath-taking.

Hubs is waffling wildly between accepting everything to the point of being gung-ho about me moving out…to days like this weekend. He just finished having a meltdown about wanting to kill himself – ended it with “someday” but not tonight. Honestly, I’m exhausted. He’s been throwing tantrums and crying since election night. Biden won, it’s what he wanted…but he’s still been sobbing uncontrollably since the news broke. I don’t even know how to handle him anymore. I wish he’d accept counseling.

I have a doctor appointment early in the morning. I had my labs done last week and she already called super excited about how my numbers have changed. Less stress is amazing, y’all! It’ll be interesting to see what else she has to say and what course of action will be taken for my knee. I hope I can also get something to mitigate panic attacks once they start.

And since they’re impossible to resist, a friend posted this relatively basic thing on Facebook and I figured I’d try filling it out before the bed calls my name.

37 odd things about me . . . (Honestly, none of them were that odd so not sure why it was titled this..)

1. Do you like mustard? Not really but depends on what it’s in/on. I love it in potato salad, hate it on burgers, will tolerate it on hot dogs.

2. Choice of carbonated beverage? Coke

3. Do you own a gun? Technically, yes. They were my father’s and my grandmother is keeping them for me until I decide what to do with them. I’m not big on having firearms around…especially with an apparently unstable spouse.

4. Whiskey, Tequilla, Vodka? Tequila, all the way, unless it’s straight then I’ll take Whiskey but prefer Scotch.

5. Hot dogs or Cheeseburgers? Hrm…probably hot dogs.

6. Favorite Type Of Food? Type is really broad. Um…I really like traditional southern cooking I guess. Fried chicken or country ham served with some dill pickles or beets and a good potato salad and baked beans, maybe some gravy for a biscuit. Throw in some white peaches and I’m happy as can be.

7. Do you believe in ghosts? Nope

8. What do you drink in the morning? Water, sometimes juice.

9. Can you do a 100 Pushups? LOL I’m lucky if I could do one.

10. Summer, Winter, Spring, Or Fall? All of the above, except summer. I really love the transitions in spring and fall, though.

11. Favorite Hobby? Probably crochet right now. It’s easy to sit down and pick back up without having to put a lot into remembering where you were or having other equipment on hand.

12. Tattoos? None

13. Do you wear glasses? Yups

14. Phobias? Closest things I have to one is entomophobia, specifically a fear of ticks…and of course I found one crawling on my arm today. UGH.

15. Nickname? Mermer is used fairly often. I also get Ams from time to time.

16. Three drinks you drink? Coke, black tea, milk

17. Biggest Downfall? It’s going to sound weird, but I’m too dependable. If I say I’ll do something, I will even if it’s to my detriment…and I’m almost always willing to help people out when I can. It’s exhausting. I’d love to be better at saying “no”.

18. Rain or Snow? Snow! But enjoy both. Snow is more peaceful though.

19. Piercings? Five, all in my ears.

20. Age? 34. I had to ask somebody how old I was last month. It feels like it’s been twenty years since New Years Day.

21. Kids? None, unless furbabies count.

22. Favorite color? Greenish

23. Employed? Legal bum ftw

24. Can you whistle? Yes

25. Where were you born? Take me to the place where I was born […] West Virginiaaaaaaa

26. Brothers or Sisters? 1 step brother, 3 step sisters, 1 biological sister (deceased)

27. Ever Been Arrested? No, surprisingly enough

28. Surgeries? I’ve had to be knocked out with gas five times, so I guess those count.

29. Shower or Bath? Bath, always. They’re the bestest!

30. Like gambling? Only if I know I’ll win

31. Are You Loyal? To a fault, unfortunately

32. Broken bones? Nothing major

33. How many tv’s in your house? It used to be zero but my guy brought one of his here so we could do nothing in the living room together. I’d forgotten how much fun it is to play games with somebody or snuggle and watch shows. Spending pointless time with somebody you care about is awesome. Who’d have thunk it?

34. Worst pain ever? Physically – organ death. I wouldn’t recommend it. Emotionally – the helplessness of watching people you love die. Also don’t recommend that.

35. Do you like to dance? Only with my dogs

36. Are your parents still alive? My mother is.

37. Do you like camping? I used to love it…now I’m old and tired and grumpy. I still like sleeping outside but prefer a hammock and not having to hike for hours to find a place to make subpar food.

Ugh.

Ever had one of those days where nothing goes right?

That’s my day today.

I was coming off of, perhaps, one of the weirdest weekends in my life.

A certain guy was visiting.

…and my not-gonna-be-my-husband-much-longer was here.

They both knew the other were going to be here at the house. Didn’t stop either of them. Hubs even CANCELLED his weekend plans so he could be here and ninja around like an absolutely insane person. Seriously. He wore a mask, goggles, and gloves. Inside. On purpose. To “make [the other guy] feel safe”.

Safe by making yourself seem more of a lunatic?!

He was also running frantically from room to room in order to avoid the guy. Because he didn’t think the guy seemed sunshine and rainbows friendly to him. Because hubs yelled “HELLO THERE” at him as he threw food on the counter while running through the kitchen minutes after he arrived the first night. Other than watching each other curiously through windows, that was the extent of their interaction.

So. Freaking. Bizarre.

At any rate, my stress levels are high. Surprise! My cholesterol has therefore shot up like crazy during the past few months and I’m on a statin as a preventative until I recheck in November. The real pisser about being on a statin is I’m one of those blessed people that get side-effects.

I had horrifically bad pain in all of my joints during the night. Enough that it woke me up an hour after I went to bed…and I just couldn’t get comfortable enough to go back to sleep. I doubled down on my CoQ10 and am hoping no more ice picks come to stab all of my joints again tonight.

The guy had to leave for work at a crazy early hour and I hate seeing him go. He’s such a good source of calm for me after dealing with the hubs for 13 years. It’s kind of crushing watching that bit of security and comfort walk out the door.

Then my computer locked me out. Hardcore. Didn’t recognize my current password. Or the one I had previously. Or anything. It flat out refused everything I entered and I’ve used the same two administrator passwords for my basic logon since I was 16.

After hours of desperately trying to figure out a way to restore without a reset key…the password magically worked. Out of nowhere. Password wouldn’t work again when I went to settings to see wtf was going on. I can’t make a reset key if I can’t get the password to work so now I’m just hoping the power doesn’t go out until I can figure out wtf is going on with it and end up having to reformat or something. Ugh.

Somebody had noticed I was magically online a few days ago when they knew I was asleep. There is a lot of suspicion that my computer was messed with. It remains conspiracy theory for now but with some of the other crazy stuff that’s been happening, who knows.

Then hubs comes running upstairs freaking out. Complete madman.

Oh no, he double-booked for tomorrow! Needs me to do something now, now, NOW! He’s on the phone and yelling at me to do something…and I have no clue what’s going on. I’m leaving soon-ish. I’m not keeping up with the stuff that’s happening here or where he has to be for meetings.

I was already stressed. And in a lot of pain. And sad. And frustrated.

So when I take my phone off the charger to prove to him that I didn’t have either of the things he was screeching about on my calendar, I slapped it back in its case without paying attention. Backwards. Depressing all the keys. Completely, utterly, and devastatingly factory resetting it.

Do you know how painful it is to watch the happy, little Android robot with “DELETING” below it? …and there’s not a thing you can do to make it stop?

Very. Let me assure you.

Nothing restored except the singular email address I have saved in my gmail account. No photos, no documents/patterns, no voicemails from long deceased loved ones, no contact information, no calendar appointments. Nothing.

But what about stuff backed up on the cloud?

Yah, so turns out /somebody/ went over our wireless account’s data limit. When he got the message about it, while he was out of town and desperately still wanting to stream directions and music, he swapped the plan. All of our cloud accounts were deleted with that switch and needed to be reactivated and synced. He got a text about it and forgot to tell the rest of us. Yay!

At least the rest of the family now knows to reactivate their accounts and upload.

Since we’re separating, I’ve been having to coach hubs on how to pay the bills here. He’s staying in the house, I’m not.

It’s frustrating on the best of days because he didn’t know how to budget or how much things are or even how to check the bank accounts until a few paychecks ago. Why he chose tonight when I was already having kittens over the computer and phone duo, I’ll never know.

I walk him through paying everything and sorting out what he’ll need until his next paycheck. All done!

But not. He literally forgot that two bills are due THIS month instead of next. And he was fresh out of money.

The $500 car payment…and the wireless bill, which had an amazing $90 worth of data overage charges before he swapped it mid-cycle and accrued all sorts of fees for that too. I was only $230 more than it is a typical month.

I basically shelled out $900 tonight to save him and make myself miserable and lose all my precious data.

I bought myself a pair of shoes I’ve been wanting as consolation. I might as well get /something/ out of this miserable day other than stealing a few quiet minutes with that certain guy before he left.

Long weekend, etc.

I decided a while back that life was all about the little things. Grand gestures and fun vacations are nice and all but, really, the daily nitty gritty is what makes and breaks us.

I ended up with a migraine the weekend I was supposed to meet up with my guy. A horrible, multiple day, migraine. It also rained and since he didn’t know the area well yet, we decided to postpone.

Instead, he spent Labor Day here with me!

I had no idea how much I needed that visit – it was our first extended amount of time together and it kinda blew my mind. I purposely didn’t want to do anything extraordinary or unusual, so we spent Sunday a walking around a wetlands preserve and ate out (the first time I have since Covid!) and stayed in the rest of the weekend doing a while lot of nothing.

There has been such a lack of little gestures in my life for the past decade that I was honestly shocked when I sniffled and he came to check on me to make sure I was okay and not crying (I wasn’t, I just get congested before a migraine so knew to take some preventative). Or when he just absent mindedly picked up my foot to rub it when we’d sit on the couch together browsing our phones. Or that he cleaned the table after a meal. Or fixed the door that’s been giving me problems for months, without me having to ask. He even opened my jar of pickles! Instead of me having to beg him to play with the dogs, he was on the floor wrestling with them.

…and speaking of dogs, Mitzi hates everybody but Mom and I. She tolerates the husband and her groomer but has no hesitations getting angry with either of them. Everybody else, she avoids and barks at. Nonstop. For days if she has to. Not him. He didn’t even make it to the kitchen after coming inside his first night here before she was asking to be picked up. She went totally loopy and in love with him and wanted cuddles and licks all weekend. It did my heart so much good.

Hubs took the puppy Sprocket with him to visit his family. Hubs wrecked the car and the dog peed on him. Sprocket didn’t really care for my father in law and bit him in the butt without warning. When they went for a run and encountered some stray dogs, the puppy slipped his collar and took off like Lassie to howl at somebody for help…totally abandoning hubs to his destiny. The pup was also terrified of our 6 month old niece. I’ve been highly amused with his antics and miss the little Muppet.

All in all, I’ve had the best week I’ve had in as long as I can remember. It’s quiet and relaxing and my stress and anxiety are nonexistent. While the guy was here I didn’t even have any nightmares. Hubs said he’s not heard me sound so calm in decades…and is volunteering more weekends away so the guy can visit again. This whole situation is so bizarre but it seems to be working for now.

So until next time, a simple quizzy thing I stole from a Facebook friend!

Ok 40 odd things about me . . . Please play along! I love reading them. 😃

  1. Do you put ketchup on hot dogs? Yes
  2. Choice of soda? Coke
  3. Do you put salt on your watermelon? Yes
  4. Can you swim? Yes
  5. Hot dogs or burgers? Burger
  6. Favorite food? Pickles, peaches, country…don’t make me choose!
  7. Do you believe in ghosts? Nope
  8. What do you drink in the morning? Water or sometimes juice
  9. Can you do 100 push ups? Not unless wall pushyos count…
  10. Summer, Winter, Spring, or fall? Fall
  11. Your favorite Pet? Right now probably the kitten Fossey. She’s a hoot.
  12. Tattoos? None
  13. Do you wear glasses? Yes
  14. Do you have a phobia? Closest to having one is ticks
  15. Do you have a nickname? A few, yes
  16. Three favorite animals? Mitzi, Joule, and Fossey if we want to be very specific. Cats, octopuses, and alpacas if not.
  17. Biggest downfall? I’m crazy shy
  18. Rain or Snow? Both! Snow is great though
  19. Can you change a tire? Yes
  20. Favorite flower? Lilac
  21. Can you drive a stick? Yes
  22. Ever gone sky diving? Yups
  23. Kids? None
  24. Favorite color? Green
  25. Favorite movie? Nightmare Before Christmas
  26. Can you whistle? Yes
  27. Where were you born?West Virginiaaaa
  28. Siblings? One biological, deceased. Four steps-siblings – 1 never met. 2 only met at our parents’ wedding. 3 haven’t talked to since she turned 18. 4 I like pretty darn well and enjoy seeing him when I’m in town.
  29. Surgeries? A few, all to remove misbehaving body parts
  30. Shower or bath? Bath!!!
  31. Last song you heard? Tokyo by Paul Oakenfold
  32. Broken bones? Nothing major
  33. How many TV’s in your home? Zero
  34. Worst pain? Dying ovary
  35. Do you like to sing? No
  36. Are your parents still alive? My mom is
  37. Do you like camping? Sometimes
  38. What do you binge watch? RuPaul’s Drag Race
  39. Pumpkin or pecan pie? Pecan
  40. A photo of yourself…

Pupdate

So it’s been a month.

Life is still crazy.

One of my cousins had her baby. I still haven’t finished the quilt. It’ll get done when life isn’t so upside down. Maybe. 🙃

I have a visitor for the undetermined future.

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His name is Ban and isn’t he just the handsomest boy? ❤️

My guy “friend” (he doesn’t like titles, yet insists he’s mine 😊) is moving this week and since the house hasn’t closed yet, he was in a bit of a bind of what to do with his dog. Me to the rescue! Took a 10 hour (one way) roadtrip yesterday and brought him back home with me today. Been a long weekend in the car but worth it.

Won’t lie, getting to spend four hours just walking around a random park with the guy was worth it. How pathetically lame is that? I never thought I’d be that type of person, yet here we are.

My husband isn’t a bad guy – he even went with me on the trip this weekend – it’s just so painfully obvious how we’ve grown apart and probably should’ve never been in a relationship to begin with. I think we’ll still be decent friends, there’s just a massive chasm between that and what a couple should be. We spent most of the ride home today talking about somebody he has a crush on and what he could do to prevent hurting her like he’s hurt me. He’s gunshy about starting a new relationship but is interested at least. We’ve agreed we’re filing the official separation after the house closes and I move in with my guy.

So back to my still husband not being a bad person. He’s not but the difference between him and the guy blows my mind. It’s all little things and unconscious considerations but just holy cow. Hubs always has grand plans for the future but they’ve never even included me…always what his career dreams are and where he wants to travel. I’ve never known where I fit into his life other than fulfilling the title role of Mrs. He’s very much focused on a few things and has no room for anything else.

Now I find myself with somebody who gently prods “ours” when I refer to something as his (our house, not his house – he’s even offered to put me on the mortgage and/or title) and talks about the goal just being coming home to me at the end of the day. And there are little considerations like him waiting to see if I need a hand down a steep path (bum knee) instead of leaving me so behind that I’ve gone back to the car and waited before hubs realized I wasn’t keeping up. He opens doors for me. He cleaned my husband’s fast food trash out of my car when he was loading up the dog crate – didn’t even ask, just cleaned up somebody else’s mess from my space.

I even kinda like myself when he’s around – for once I don’t feel uncomfortable in my own skin or an anxious mess. I feel human. Even hubs has commented that I’ve been happier the past few months than he’s ever seen me.

It kind of takes my breath away if I really sit back and think about it.

I already miss him. Hell, I missed him as soon as I got in my car in the parking lot.

At least Ban and I can snuggle each other until Saturday. We’re gonna meet up halfway between where he’s staying and here for a quick visit. I’m bringing the pup along. I drove ten hours to see him this weekend, having him just two hours away from now on seems like a dream.

…I also finally told my mom about this guy after 16 years. And the situation with hubs and I.  I think I officially melted her brain. 😅

Weekend update

It’s a few days late but I’m alive!

This weekend was exhausting but great.

For those of you who missed the now deleted post explaining why I’ve been so conflicted lately, a quick recap: my marriage has been in trouble for years and my husband asked for an open marriage two years ago. We’re in civil discussions about separation currently. Somewhere along the way, a mutual interest blossomed with an internet friend. It may have always been there – we were crazy about each other as teens but never met. Husband has been fully aware of the situation all along and didn’t care until the friend decided to move here and invited me to live with him (strings or no strings, whatever I want). That’s brings everything up to date and gives context.

On Saturday I drove a couple hours south to go looking at houses for my friend – the state where he lives now is on the quarantine list for NY so he couldn’t do it himself without a two week isolation and filing plans with the DOH…and it was too late for any of that because the quarantine wasn’t in effect until a few days before he traveled to stay with family in an adjoining state. I always love snooping around other people’s homes so had a good time, streamed the tours to him, and was able to investigate any questions he had with the realtor.

Mom called while I was driving and was shocked I was going anywhere alone. I rarely even get to go grocery shopping by myself. I don’t think my husband realizes what he’s doing or how controlling it seems but others comment fairly frequently about never getting to see just me.

…then I did the crazy, not like me at all thing, and hopped the state line and went to meet my friend while he was much nearer by than normal. Maybe that’s why I don’t get to go out by myself. 😅

…could be because my primary care doctor doubled my anxiety medicine two weeks ago or could be because we should’ve met half a lifetime ago, but I handled it way better than I expected.

Nervous? Definitely.

Panic attacks? None! Not even before or while driving there!

We met at a Sheetz so bathroom, food, and gas were all available. Also so I could nope out and leave quickly. That didn’t happen.

We talked for a bit while grinning like idiots then he offered to take me around. What the heck and why not?!

I’m not completely reckless; my cousin was following me with a tracker app and was checking in so frequently that it became a joke by the end of the day.

We just did completely mundane things but I had such a good time. We had Italian ice (yum!), went to the grocery store to get treats for his dog and just compared foods we liked, I got a driving tour of the town and saw where his family lived, and then we went to a park and took a walk by the river.

We were pretty much the only people wearing masks, both being from states that require them now. Scary, y’all. No wonder this pandemic won’t go away.

One of the highlights was the grocery store. There was an autonomous robot store helper that detects spills that I couldn’t help but investigate. It then lit up and flashed and followed me around the store. Some random lady stopped me to ask what I did to get it to interact with me because her kids loved it and would be jealous…I didn’t know so just told her it must’ve detected that I was a mess. 😅

At the end of the day, he invited me to come back and meet his family – his mom had generously offered me a place to stay and a meal – but I wasn’t quite ready to meet everybody yet so we parted ways.

We did break social distancing for a masked hug though. I’m not a hugger but totally worth it, would do again and often. 😊

I had a four hour drive home but everybody that knew was calling me to ask how things went, so I didn’t have a chance to get sleepy being on the road so late. I also got hot and ready Krispy Kreme donuts on the way back. Yum!

When I got home, I had the sweetest message saying he missed my half-face already. I’m all about the little things. It’s crazy how much even holding a door open for somebody that doesn’t normally get that means. Little considerations make me so contentedly happy. My cousin swears I’m the most low maintenance person she’s ever met.  🤣

The next day, husband was a bit upset that I’d walked anywhere with anybody but won’t go hiking with him. I injured the fascia in my left leg (pain and numbness below the knee) and my doctor has me taking it easy for four months to see if it can heal without surgery, so I’ve limited my walks to no strain, a mile or less, every other day with her approval. It’s not me playing favorites.

To soothe his wounds, we took a day drive around the Adirondacks. He stopped and hiked a short trail while I stayed at the car, did the physical therapy exercises for my knee, and just enjoyed being in the mountains. Hubs has been in a bunch better mood.

All in all, a fantastic weekend that I could’ve never predicted.

I may find the motivation to do stuff around the house again now that some of the chaos has settled.

 

 

 

Baby Quilt

Here’s the quilt top I finished this week.  I think it’ll be going to my cousin’s daughter – she’s pending arrival in September or so and has two very active half-siblings.  I think bright and fun will fit right in. I don’t like pink but, to be honest, I kind of love this quilt.

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…and breathe

I picked up crafting again today. I didn’t do much, just decided to start making one of the many baby quilts that are due this year. Should be a short and sweet project. I hope it turns out.

I would promise photos but guys, let’s be honest, I’m a royally hot mess right now. I don’t know which end is up or what I’m doing.

That probably sounds overly dramatic but shit has hit the fan in a way I never imagined. I desperately wish there was somebody I could talk to about what’s going on but that’s unfortunately not an option because I just don’t have somebody that’s neutral enough to approach, so I’m having to muddle through and try to make sense of things.

To cope I’ve not been sleeping and have gone from 3-4 drinks a year to 3-4 this week just to try to keep the panic and anxiety down – my old neuro recommended drinking when in certain situations to avoid triggering my migraines…I get the weirdest medical advice, right?

I really hope making a few quilts this week will help me stay calm and focused. I won’t hold my breath.

Birthday Shenanigans

My birthday happened over the weekend.

Even though I spent it in the car for 12 hours each way, in an impromptu mad dash back south, it was one of the better ones I’ve had in a while.

Why?

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If L can have a puppy, break our agreement to just go down to one dog (3 != 1), and turn the house upside down, I can finally get the forth cat I’ve been wanting for years and put off because I was pretending to be a responsible adult.

One of Mom’s coworkers brought her in from outside but decided she didn’t have the time to give to a new little one so asked if Mom wanted her…and Mom was all nope but my kid will. She knows I’m a sucker for calicos and have been wanting a long haired baby.

Her name is Fossey and she’s rotten. Totally and completely.

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Kittens are THE BEST. ❤️❤️❤️

I also ended up with an unexpected bounty of other gifts from family and friends. It was almost like being a kid again!

L gave me a drop spindle and some. roving to see if I like making my own yarn that way…he also picked up a gorgeous diamond fashion ring from our jeweler friend back home. Mom got me a hair dryer brush and some bath supplies. My uncle gave me an Amazon gift card and my Grandmother gave me a spot of cash.

…and one of my aunts gave me a start to my Granny Boo’s lilac. Something I’ve always wanted. It’s huge and gorgeous and I’m hoping the starts survive being transplanted!

I also had a really sweet bit of best-in-slot armor waiting for me in World of Warcraft from a friend (the reason I started playing again) when I got home.

Fossey is already causing kitten hijinks. She turned off my power supply last night when I was running a dungeon. D’oh. Thankfully the guy I was helping (I’m max level now!) thought it was hilarious and we ended up being friends so we could play more together in the future.