P.S. You’re worth more.

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I’ve got to be better about taking note of where I steal images from.  I see them, they resonate, I save them, I move on.  I saved that one months ago and it does a very elegant job of expressing how I’ve felt lately.

I’ve always been bad at talking about how I feel.  I have walls and wear a mask almost all the time.  It’s weird because I’m a pretty open book in every other regard — I’ll tell anybody pretty much anything they ask…just as long as they don’t want to know what I’m feeling.  The damage runs deep and most people aren’t equipped to handle it.  You can only hear so much “it gets better” before you want to smack the shit out of somebody.

Some stuff doesn’t get better.  Time doesn’t heal every wound, some stay fresh and raw.  Some days are better than others, but that’s about all you get.  No matter what you do, some people will always suck…and it’s not up to you to change them or even put up with them.  You don’t have to feel guilty for distancing yourself.

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It’s crazy how much pressure we put on ourselves to think or be a certain way.  How much we blame ourselves when things don’t go the way we hope.  How much inconvenience we’ll go through for others to be happy while neglecting ourselves.

…and it absolutely blows my mind how much a simple “it’s not you, I promise” is a life raft in the storm.  How those simple words quickly became the bandage for so many seeping wounds.  I’ve been told things aren’t my fault before but something about the added promise actually drove it home and made it feel like some of the weight I’ve been dragging around was finally lifting.  I take promises very seriously.

I started this year determined to find happiness.  Pretty pathetic, right?  I haven’t been genuinely happy in a long time.  Life has a way of dealing blows and then hitting me again when I’m down.  Even when things are going well, I can’t relax and enjoy the moment because I keep waiting for the fuckening; it hasn’t failed me yet.

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I’m a dreary thing and I accepted the pessimistic life a long time ago.  If I expect the worst, I’ll never be disappointed.  Hell, I may even be pleasantly surprised and who doesn’t love that?  Life is still rolling with the one-two punches but I find myself settling into an odd sort of contentment in spite of them.  I’m good with being content.

I might even venture I’m almost happy with being content.

I’m working on it.  I’m trying.  I promise I am.

 

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